2004-01-18 - 10:22 p.m.
I think i'm depressed, or just bored. I have plently of things to do, but with no energy or motivation to do them. I've got a banjo, I've got german books and I can always occupy myself with doing art, or venture outside for a change. But instead I find myself on the internet all the time to trying to entertain myself.
I've been looking up information about steiner education and training, and am trying to think of myself as a teacher; thinking, maybe I just wish I could have gone to a steiner school when I was a child, and teaching would just be making up for that loss, that I'm probably not cut out to actually teach it.
There is a college in Sydney offering an advanced diploma in Rudolf Steiner Education. Who knows what I will end up doing. But I think it's good to have options. I find myself walking around the house with little plans popping into my head, slotting everything perfectly together.
Thinking, once I do one thing, another will come along and slot right in; I'll go to one college, then find myself a job, work for however long, go to another college, work out what I want to do and ultimately be set on my way, during which I'll have found a man who I love and loves me back. We'd play in a jazz band together, or something to that extent. We'd live together and be passionate and tender towards one other, hugging each other when we both came home from work....hahaha, somehow I can't see that happening, or how I've written that just makes me picture it all horribly pathetic. Although, the playing in a jazz band together is something I would like. That is, if the jazz band was really good, and we were able to play in jazz clubs.P>
It's funny how you can build up an entire fabrication of a life for your future self inside your head. You can do it for anybody.
